Help Me Up, A Pair Of Wings, A Little Rope, All Those Things

September 22, 2005

Recently I've had the feeling of impending doom... originally I had chalked it up to the fact that I had no idea what was going on in school. But today I found out what it was really about.

I saw my ex-boyfriend today. It's quite the story with him. Dated on and off for 4 years. Loved him, hated him. Mostly just hated myself with him. He broke up with me because he was building weapons for foreigners but I shouldn't worry because in the event of a disaster his "assets" would be protected (i.e. his family and mine). So honnestly, thank god he broke up with me, crazy fuck.

I gave up all of my friends to be with him... retrospect is a bitch. I gave up all my best friends for someone who made me feel beyond inadequate. So my life would feel like I was drowning. Constantly fighting for air. I'd spend everyday wishing things were better. He enforced a rule that I could only see him one day a week. And if I insisted on sleeping over, he acted like he couldn't wait to get rid of me in the morning. Actually I can still remember what he said "I don't want you to sleep here because it'll end up in a long goodbye in the morning." Oh sorry, I thought we were dating, I didn't know this was torture for you. At least if the sex had been good it might have been worthwhile, but it wasn't. It was boring, and I'd spend the whole time thinking, and might I add this was the ONLY time I would think this, that I should be studying.

He forced me to watch Star Trek with him, and all the movies as well. He made me feel small, like I should be thanking my lucky stars that I was with him, even though he had to lour me back into his life a number of times. I guess I should mention that I was the one who broke up with him 5 or so times before our actual break up forever break up. I should have stuck to my intuition. I regret it. It's the only regret I have.

Anyway, back to today. I saw him at the U of A bus depot. I proceeded to run like a crazy person and hide behind a bus. I don't think he saw me. I've never prayed before, but I prayed today. I prayed that my bus would show up so I could run away, like I always have from him. My bus showed up and I got on. I watched him through the window for a good 5 minutes before my bus pulled away.

He looked older. He looked like I thought he would, like someone with no real attachements, like someone who has forgotten me. And instantly I became the girl I was 3 years ago. No self worth, no self respect, just self loathing. The pathetic girl that I was with him, someone who no matter what, couldn't stand up for themself.

And even though I know I'm not that person, I can't stop it from comming out of me. I need a drink. I need something. I need to feel like someone actually understands, and not that they're just saying that they do, because it's not the same.

And even as I write this I cry just a little bit for him. I'm scared no one will ever love me. Truely, honnestly love me... and it'll just be me forever and ever. I'm just to scared to ask the question that's really haunting me, how can someone else love me if I don't even love myself?

I'm a senioritta who is melting at a very fast rate. (By the way, In a Coma kicks fucking ass hardcore).


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christy said...

oh, steph. i so know how you feel. and i know you hate it when people say that, and i hate it when people say that too but i can't get around saying it because i DO. i talked to my ex last night and even though i don't ever want to be with him again and even though i don't care if i ever SEE him again... almost everytime i talk to him i revert back to the way i was when i was with him. scared to speak up, scared to voice my opinion, always scared to say what i really felt. and hating myself because i couldn't do it and hating myself because i let him control me knowing all along EXACTLY what was going on. so yeah. i really do understand.

Gina said...

I wish that we talked more during that time. I would have totally supported you. However as you know I was in a bad relationship with my ex as well. He was controling of me. So we both had controling boyfriend who didnt want us talking to each other. The more you reveal this kinda stuff to me. The more I understand you. Wish That we would have stayed friends during that time. But I will never do that again. I will never feel lower then a man again and I will never ever stop being your friend for a guy ever!!!!!!. So I do understand. I just wish I could help you love yourself as I love you!

Stephanie said...

Thank you guys for your support. I do realize that you understand, just when you're in the moment of complete breakdown you always think you're the only one this has ever happened too *lol*

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