ask a specific question and i'll give you a specific truth

February 12, 2005

tonight was the kind of night that you think can only happen to you in the deepest of nightmares. can you imagine admitting all of your horrible, deep dark secrets to a relative stranger?

cause that's how my night went. i met this guy a few nights ago, and i lied to him about myself. i told him things because i couldn't admit problems to myself.

you read about stars in magasines who have eating disorders, and you kind of smile and are glad that that could never happen to you. until you wake up and realize that you completely lied to someone about something so trivial, yet societally important, and then you realize yourself that maybe you have a problem?

And maybe its the opposite of that crazy Olsen twin, because maybe you have gained 70 pounds in the last 5 years, and kind of you just opened your eyes and realized it, even though while it was happening you swore you'd never gain another pound and all of a sudden your jeans cost like a zillion dollars.

and then you lie to a total stanger about your weight and you realize, the one thing i hate in life is lying, so how is it possible that i'm doing this to someone else. and then the guilt consumes you for days, until you come clean.

but instead of feeling better you just feel like shit. and you realize that if you dont face up to this now, while you're 22, you wont have a job when you graduate, because who wants to hire a fat teacher? and you'll get diabetes, and high blood pressure, a fatty liver, and you'll probably have a heart attack by the time you're 29.

and then you start to think, oh god, what have i done with my life? and blaming your crazy ex-boyfriend can only go so far. so then you start to realize that you can change all of this, because fatty liver can be reversed.
being a biology major, i'm completely aware of how amazing the human body is, able to take so much strain, and then with proper care, can go back to how it's supposed to be functioning.

but you're so scared that you will fail

i dont like capitalization


duane said...

fear is the motivator for all people, fat people are just as good as skinny people for teachers, except physical education, smoke cigarettes every chance you get

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